Friends Just Sck
by bunsdarien
Summary: No sex. It's preslash due to the actions of Daniel. If your friend was bitten on the butt by a snake.. What would you do? Daniel's shows Jack.


Title: Friends Just Suck

Authors; Chaff & Dee

Rating: R

Written: May 17, 2004.

NoSex. It's more General, but due to the content, it's labeled under pre-slash. Your get what we mean when you read it. We did try to write a General one. We really did...

Language, Ass sucking humor. Un'beta'd. Forwarned. Sorry for the formatting. It took me a year to figure out how to download here.

The Question is asked: If your friend was bitten in the ass by a snake.... Would you:

Let them die?Or suck out the poison?

Well, this is Daniel's response.  
Enjoy!!

Friends Just Suck

Chaff & Dee

About to relieve Jack from his watch, Daniel sees the Colonel grab ahold of his stomach. Walking over to him, "Jack,.. you alright"  
Trying to keep his stomach in check, Jack swears out, "Goddamn MRE's! I KNEW that wasn't chicken!  
Damn lying bastards"  
With that, he looks frantically around. His eye catches sight of a large bush off to the side.  
"Jack, should I wake Sam and"  
"NO!" He tells him. "I'll be back in a minute"  
Ducking behind the bush, he undoes his belt. As he squats to take care of business, he feels a sharp pinch on an ass cheek.  
"Ow! FUCK!!" he yells out. He looks around and catches a glimpse of the source.

"Oh.... Fucking hell"  
Rubbing his hand over his wounded cheek, he's surprised by the sudden appearance of Daniel in front of him.

"What happened?" Daniel asks, a bit of panic in his voice. Pulling his pants back up, Jack shrugs and says,  
"Oh, nothing big. Just a snakebite."

"What!" Daniel, now in full panic mode, "Where"  
Jack tries to get away from Daniel's questioning hands, "Will you stop touching me, Daniel"  
A sudden outburst interrupts Teal'c's Kel'no're-em.  
"Will you stop touching me, Daniel"  
He glances over at Sam to see that she was also disturbed. "What the hell was that all about?" She whispers to Teal'c.

"I am unsure, MajorCarter. Perhaps we should make sure all is well"  
They exit the tent in time to see Jack and Daniel in a tug of war for Jack's pants. Daniel had Jack by the hips, trying in great desperation to pull his pants down.

"Let me suck it! Let me suck it"  
"I don't want you to suck it!" Jack yelled,  
struggling to break free of Daniel.  
"This would go a lot easier Jack, if you would just stop fighting me"  
"I don't want you sucking my ass, Daniel!" Jack fell to his knees, and was scrambling away from Daniel in a commando crawl.  
Daniel was on him, leaning all his weight on Jack's back. The younger man's arm was wrapped around his waist, while nimble fingers were fast relieving him of his fatigues.  
At this point, a disgusted Sam mumbles, "Wish those two would get a room already!" and re-enters the tent.  
Teal'c raises an eyebrow at the two, "Indeed," and follows Sam in.  
The two men continue to tussle, Jack acquiring many bumps and bruises. Daniel, always having the upper hand, pushes Jack back in the dirt when he makes one last attempt to get up.  
Jack complains, "Special Ops training my.  
AAASSS!!!" screaming out the last part, as Daniel succeeds in baring a cheek and attempting to suck at the wound.

"Oh God....DANIEL!" Jack screams again as Daniel continues to suck Jack's ass unmercifully. After several unsuccessful attempts at freedom,  
Jack gives up. He lifts his head up and rests it on a bruising fist. "Uh.... Daniel?" Watching the younger man start to wear down. An exhausted Daniel asks, "Jack... you okay now"  
"Daniel.... It wasn't poisonous"  
If Jack wasn't so tired.... and pissed off, at having lost a fight to the Archaeologist, he would have laughed at the expression on his face.  
The next day.  
SG-1 sits at the briefing room table with a clearly confused Hammond. "Now let me get this straight, Colonel," The General says. He places the reports he had in his hands,  
down in front of him.  
"You were injured on a planet that showed no sign of Hostiles. You appear to have been attacked by someone.  
Now, care to enlighten me HOW exactly you received your injuries"  
Jack glares at Daniel.  
Sam rolls her eyes.  
Teal'c says, "Someone, Indeed"  
They all turn to Teal'c.  
"Teal'c?" Hammond asks. "Do you happen to know what took place?"  
He just lowers his head, "Fortunately, I was heavily in Kel'no' Re-em."

Hoping for a straight answer he turns to Sam. "Major Carter?" He says.

"Sir, I didn't see ANYTHING."

The General knows when he's getting the run around and decides to take the horse by the reins ...or in this case...the jackass.  
After taking in a deep breath, He dismisses them all except Jack.

They exit the briefing room.

Once outside, Sam pulls Daniel to the side. "Next time, do you mind keeping your little escapades a bit quieter. " Shaking her head, she mumbles "Horny little bastard," as an afterthought walking away with Teal'c.

"Hey, I heard that!" Daniel replies. Running to catch up with them. "Sam.. Sam..."

Back in Hammonds office...

"Now, Jack. Truth time."

"Would you believe if I said I tripped?!"

Shaking his head, "No. But, If it were Doctor Jackson,  
that would be another story."

Smirking, "Ow," he cried out. His bruised jaw bothering him.

Grabbing the paper in front, Hammond reads aloud, "Let me see here. Non-poisonous snake-bite to the right buttock: That would explain the rash. Minor bruises to your chest, back, hips, and jaw.. Now, Jack. SPILL!"

Jack bows his head, clearly embarrassed. He mutters out, "Daniel, he did this."

"Excuse ME! Doctor Jackson did that to you"  
Unbelieving that Daniel even had the ability to out maneuver Jack.

"You're Special Ops trained. How?" Hammond asked.

"Well, apparently THAT kind of training doesn't work with an Archaeologist-on-a-mission."

Hammond shakes his head, and with a waive of his hand,  
he dismisses the Colonel.

As Jack rises from the chair, He says, "Just one request, though."

Clearly annoyed with his Second in Command, "Yes,  
COLONEL?!"

"Sir, Could you ban Daniel from the gym. He's getting to strong for MY own good."

"Clearly."

The end.


End file.
